I just wrote a running diary about the stress of med school peaking on the day before the exam. And it raised a lot of internal frustrations. I feel like I'm having an identity crisis.
sidenote - shoutout to DWill, who inspired this post:
I hate caring about med school tests. I hate grades with a passion. I know they're complete bullshit. I've already spent 4 yrs in undergrad proving to myself that I'm smart, I shouldn't need any med school grades to tell me I'm smart.
But I want that honors carrot. And I hate myself for it. I wish to God I didn't care about it. The day before the exam, all I could do was get stressed out about cramming more knowledge in, and wondering how I would score, not compared with myself, but compared with all of you.
The hidden curriculum wants you to care about getting honors so they can control you. They want to mold you into the kind of med student they want you to become. They want you to spend all your time studying, following orders, ditching anything resembling creativity. They want you to become their bitch.
Who is they? They is everyone that wants you to be boring. They is everyone that wants you to live in a white picket home instead of a hut in rural Haiti. They is everyone that wants you to become rich instead of great.
My biggest question: Am I being stupid for not giving into They? Is my life an idealistic fantasy trying to fight the power?
Why shouldn't I just leave sidenote behind? Some days I love it, but other days.. is it worth it?
I know I'm smart. I can look at my MCAT and undergrad grades for three seconds and know that. If I took all the time that I invest in relationships with friends, relationship with wife, writing sidenote, following basketball, working out, and funnel all those hours into studying I know I would crush med school.
On one side, my pride is yelling at me to leave everything else behind, get on that adderall and gun for AOA and 260 on Step 1. And some days, the other side just doesn't feel as loud.
See you on the other side,
from ken
taking requests for future blog posts. please comment or email.
I recommend watching this short interview with Joseph Cambell:
ReplyDeletehttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aGx4IlppSgU
Just remember that school is just a means to an end and that you are the true granter of satisfaction.
I would recommend to try to step back from the temporal head space your in, exam space, just to regain your perspective on your overall focus and goals.
Interesting interview. I need to listen to it more times to understand it, but the concept of becoming an adult is definitely intriguing. I've heard numbers in the range of 27-30 as the point at which you become mentally mature/stable/reach the point when you don't change much more. What's your thoughts on that?
DeleteThe take away that I got from the interview was that becoming an adult is a psychological shift from position of dependence to a position of independence. When you are a youth you look to others to shape your place in society, tell you whats right and wrong and tell you if you are doing good or bad. An adult is someone in a society that understands what is right and wrong and therefore is able to act without checks and balances within the system; they know what their position is and how to act in it. In our society, this shift from youth to adult is blurred, there really isn't a defined moment like some of the cultures that Campbell talks about in the interview. Therefore people can continue this position of dependence and in some cases never escape it. Campbell uses the example of graduate school to highlight a system in which this dependence state is carried out at length. Being a student you are at the will of the teachers to assess if you are doing good or bad within the system via grades. As a student you are placed in a situation in which you are unable for self-assessment, the act of knowing that you are doing right in your position, so you don't gain that psychological shift, but continue to be at the will of others who define your place and course of action.
DeleteI feel part of the reason for this blur is how specialized positions in our society have become, therefore it takes more time to gain that psychological edge of knowing your place because people need more time for learning and training to become these highly specialized pieces of the larger puzzle. I think at what age that occurs is dependent on the field of specialization you are in. I liked Campbells reference to pro-athletes, they know their position/specialization and have known for a while; I think Lebron knew it as soon as he dunked a basketball at age 9. Someone like a doctor or an engineer requires a little more rigorous schooling and training to achieve that position, so it takes longer for the person to assume that role and subsequently obtain the psychological shift.
It is just difficult for people our age now a days because there is that blend of age range when the shift occurs, coupled with arbitrary ages that signify becoming an adult in the legal sense of the word. We as humans still have the feeling that becoming an adult is tied to an event set at a certain age, like cultures of old that contain far less specialization. Becoming an adult I think is like a psychological graduation and it can only occur when all the pieces fit together, ie you feel comfortable enough to assume your role in society.
Yeah, good point. I agree that the transition from dependence/independence is a key step is maturation.
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