sidenote: The Consequences of Caring

yeah, I had long hair once

"And there are those who give with pain, and that pain is their baptism."

- The Prophet, K Gibran

Years ago, I was involved in competitive athletics. You might be surprised because I’m as skinny as a straw, and not like the ones you see in milkshakes, more like the ones you see in cocktail drinks, and you self-consciously wonder, “Is this to stir with? Or drink from? I’ll just watch what everyone else does.” Seriously, I still don’t know what I’m supposed to do with it.

I used to run cross country for Kenyon, and five years into my competitive career I had a Steve Nash moment. Sitting in front of my locker. Another track season over, ending as usual in disappointment. I had come a long ways from where I started - I was a legitimate member of a collegiate cross country team, but I couldn’t help but remember a legendary running quote:

“To give anything less than your best, is to sacrifice the gift.”

I understood that my body had athletic limits, but it haunted me to consider that I could give more. Before I could put the period on the running chapter of my life, I had to confront the edge of my limits.

That summer I lived in semi-isolation in Wyoming, and totaled over 1000 miles. A previous post. It was a daily ritual to run upwards of 20 miles. It was also a daily ritual to question what the f I was doing.

When I got back to Kenyon, I had a pantheon cross country season. I shattered my personal bests and walked away from that season knowing I had given my best. But after a few weeks of sitting around, watching everyone else gearing up for indoor track, I knew I wasn’t ready to go back. I decided to train by myself and take a break from running. Mentally and emotionally, I was burnt toast. I never had another great running moment again.

kind of looks like the gel took a poop

I’m currently training to become a scientist. I love my job, but there are moments when my head might explode.

The two hardest parts of science:

1) It’s all behind-the-scenes, so it totally depends on my intrinsic motivation. All of my long days at the bench are only the first step for clinicians to come up with novel treatments. Is this doing anything for people?

2) Experiments go wrong all the time. Some weeks I literally accomplish nothing. Shouldn't I be sitting at home and watching funny youtube videos instead?

This past week was no good. I messed up my own experiments. I messed up my co-worker’s experiments. A lot of stuff went wrong, and it’s a daily ritual to question what the f I’m doing.

For now, I love science, and I know caring about it gives me an edge. I’m in the lab early. I’m in the lab late. I obsess about doing everything right. I study all the little ticks that make baller scientists baller. But I know that same edge that gave me one great cross country season is the same edge that burned me out on running forever. I could see myself watching one last gel leak, not so calmly walking away, and never looking back.