Recently, I read a Time article about the novelist Jonathan Franzen. It was about his new novel Freedom and the decline of the American novel. Franzen’s novel is about a typical American upper middle class family living in the suburbs, with unfulfilled desires and superficial happiness. It’s a criticism of modern America’s obsession with anything that takes away “freedom.”
We’ve become so obsessed with simply the idea of freedom that we’ve forgotten that freedom is simply a means to an end, assuming the end is to have a meaningful life.
Personally, I love freedom. It’s easily what I love most about graduating from college and leaving the college bubble. Especially living in a city, there’s options and choices everywhere you look. New hobbies to take up, graduate programs to apply to, friends to meet, food carts to sample. It’s great having such a commitment-free life. I can do whatever I want, whenever.
I know, though, that living in this sort of freedom-driven world can only be satisfying for so long. The unfortunate thing about a commitment-free life is that there’s no investment, and so the returns can be pretty shallow.
Take for instance, my marathon training. I’ve been taking my training really relaxed, running when I want, trying not to put too much pressure on it. Running in college used to be so stressful for me, so this change is great because I never get too stressed from it. That’s the best thing about freedom, you can always walk away whenever something gets too stressful.
The flip side? You always have an out from every “commitment”. You never work through struggles, and it’s kind of the whole “no pain, no gain,” idea.
In fact, Franzen explains in his interview:
“One of the ways of surrendering freedom is to actually have convictions.”
When you believe something, it’s scary, because you have to make decisions not just based on our animal-like immediate desires to make decisions, but you have to think about what is best for your vision.
I like for my life to be a sort of y = 3 sin x graph rather than a y = 1, assuming the y-axis represent happiness. (My friend Mooks and I once planned to write a book about math functions and relationships). Having the freedom to try new and different things, you can maintain a certain level of happiness, never getting too down on yourself. Whereas sticking by your beliefs can have big payoffs and also big pains.
Taking advantage of our freedom and eating that extra piece of bacon, buying that new pair of shoes, or whatever other general satisfaction of a superficial desire you can think of, never seems to be as satisfying as it seems. But to be able to say, at the end of the day, that when you were challenged, you held firm to your convictions, I think that brings about a real feel of satisfaction.
from ken
Are you trying to change your life? I'd love to hear about it! ken.e.noguchi@gmail.com
photo by *L*u*z*A*
My friend at work and I were chatting on Friday about how it had felt like a long week. We talked about our plans for the weekend, and wanting to just do nothing. This prompted my friend to ask me what I did when I did nothing. It was obvious to ask that question but at the same time, I was caught a little bit off guard and didn’t really know what to say. Those sorts of simple questions always seem to get at your most fundamental character. Who you are at your core, maybe. So, let me define, “doing nothing.” Well, first let me define, “doing something.” “Doing something” is your life calling. Maybe it’s empowering youth who never got the opportunities you did, maybe it’s communicating worldly truths through poetry, maybe it’s making the world aware of vicious racism. Whatever “doing something” is for you, it’s active, it takes effort, and when done right, it’s a real, real burden. Whatever you’re doing is definitely worthwhile, but at the same time it’s important to set personal boundaries so you can stay fresh for whenever you’re “doing something.”A group of old ladies that run a missionary organization in India brings in fiery youth to help them on various service projects. Everyday at 3:00 PM sharp the ladies would drop whatever they were doing to drink tea and have biscuits. The youth would sometimes get upset, asking why they didn’t work through the daylight or save the precious money for the people of India rather than biscuits. The ladies would reply:“When you leave, we will still be here, and we cannot make it tomorrow if we do not drink tea.”
I think that’s what “doing nothing” is about, it’s what you do to unwind from “doing something” and make sure you can stick it for the long haul. It’s something you enjoy, but something best enjoyed in small doses. It probably wouldn’t be fun to sit around and drink tea for ten hours a day. It’s something where you don’t feel like you’re working towards any sort of goal, but at the same time something that makes you feel completely fulfilled by just doing it. I can imagine this sort of unwinding taking many different forms for different people. For my friend at work it’s just wearing her pajamas, lazing around on her couch with a good cup of tea and a novel. I’m not exactly sure what this is for me, but it’s some combination of being by myself, listening to good music, eating unhealthy snacks, drinking hot tea, reading something completely unrelated to my goals, and watching a heart-warming romantic comedy. Regardless of what it means to “do nothing,” it definitely seems like an important component of a well-balanced life. from kenAre you trying to change your life? I'd love to hear about it! ken.e.noguchi@gmail.com photo by ryantron
I was recently talking about the difference between happiness and satisfaction. In the movie “500 Days of Summer” the main character freaks out about how the girl he’s been seeing can’t commit to him, and the girl replies that she can’t promise that she’ll wake up every morning and feel the same way for him. That’s how I see happiness, as a moment-to-moment mood thing. Sometimes it has highs, but other times it fades away for no real reason, and it probably has mostly to do with rapidly turning over brain chemicals. On the other hand, being able to take a step out of your environment, and looking at your life apart from the hectic mess is a good way to assess satisfaction. Life is going to be busy, sometimes crazy, and other times a hassle. But if you can say despite the pain, you still love your life, that’s something like real satisfaction. To me, satisfaction is the more important of the two, especially since you have so much more control over it. Essentially, I think about it as putting yourself on a road you like and taking the detours and potholes as they come. But there are definitely days when I randomly feel down for no real reason. Well, maybe there is a reason for it, but I think it’s probably just something superficial like not getting enough sleep, having worked out too hard, caffeine crash, etc. So even though I think satisfaction is more important, dealing with your day to day happiness is important too. I used to not be a fan of these bandaid type solutions, but sometimes you just need short-term solutions to survive and help gap you to the long-term solutions. And knowing that it’s just a superficial thing makes it a lot easier to deal with, because you can fight back with superficial solutions. Here are some that actually improve my mood: 1- Force myself to go to sleep early.2- Get moving and go for a light workout. 3- Change something in my environment, like adding flowers to my apartment or slightly moving the angle of my couch.4- Shower. It’s nice to have little tricks like these to help take care of myself, and keep myself sane enough to focus on developing satisfaction with my life. from kenAre you trying to change your life? I'd love to hear about it! ken.e.noguchi@gmail.com
The last few weeks, I feel like I’ve been crazy busy. Fortunately, all with awesome things, but busy nonetheless. When I was feeling like I was pushing on burnout, I started worrying, and fortunately again, three ideas popped into my life.The first was this inspiring poem written by one of my friends:Sweat burns my eyes
It is hot and I am tired
For days now (or has it been years?)
I have been climbing
And climbing
And climbing
There is no end in sight
Yet I must go on
I must keep climbing
For if I stop
I might become rooted
I loved this poem for several reasons. The simplicity, for one, and also the idea that sometimes you just have to lose track of time and not worry about how long you’ve been climbing. I definitely have a tendency to think, oh I haven’t taken a break in x days, I must need a break!But what I loved most about the poem was the last word, “rooted.” I love the shortness of poetry, it allows every word to hold SO much meaning, and that one word, rooted, just really connected with me. I always want to be making progress, improving myself, and avoid getting stale or rooted. One of my biggest fears is that feeling of being stuck. Time is precious!The second was a Filipino phrase my friend told me about, “isang bagsak” which translates to something like “one down.” A quick google search showed that it has multiple vaguely similar interpretations, but I think the basic idea is to exclaim this phrase, along with a clap, at the end of a group meeting to establish a sense of solidarity and progress. On my run this morning, my running partner was mentioning that he’s starting to get in shape, and we talked about how awesome it is to feel your fitness improving. It’s always an incredible feeling to be making progress, whether in physical fitness or as a group fighting for a beautiful cause, no matter how seemingly small the progress may be. And this reminded me, I am making progress! I’m getting better at working with my cells, making good friends, having amazing volunteer jobs, and just generally spending my days doing things I want to be doing. And of course, good things always come in three's, so I was expecting a third inspirational sign, and it turned out to be a Buddhist saying. “Act always as if the future of the universe depended on what you did, while laughing at yourself for thinking that whatever you do makes any difference.”
So the first two things, my friend’s poem and “isang bagsak,” helped me realize that I don’t want to get rooted and that I am making real progress, even if it seems more penguin-paced than hummingbird-paced. The third, the Buddhist saying, just made me remember to laugh at myself for taking myself so seriously and getting so stressed out, and enjoy the fact that I’m actually making progress in the direction I want to go in. from kenAre you trying to change your life? I'd love to hear about it! ken.e.noguchi@gmail.com
photo by Tambako the Jaguar
So I’m going to write a two-part post, the first part being a general rant on leadership, and the second part being what makes a good leader.I had been thinking about leadership the last couple days, but I was inspired when I saw a quote on a church advertisement: “It is a struggle to get children to listen to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.”
I’ll come back to that quote later.Leadership seems like a very elusive issue, every environment I’ve ever gone through including groups I was in charge of, like old jobs, sports teams, service organizations, always, always seems to lack good leadership. This is probably because being a good leader is 99% non-glamorous work that nobody will notice. And of course, a situation with good leaders is different from a situation with big ego’s, which I’ve definitely contributed to. When you just want to see your vision carried out rather than accomplish the actual mission of the group, it’s easy just to mash together some big ego’s. The times I have been in a situation with good leadership it just felt like the group just had a better sense of direction and actually accomplished something, rather than functioning aimlessly. I’ve read so much about how good leaders assert themselves by being useful or likeable or needed rather than because they simply want to lead. I always resented that I wanted to be a good leader, since it felt powerhungry and selfish. But I'm starting to realize that's just a part of who I am, and as I learn more about embracing every part of myself, I'm accepting that I will always want to be in a leadership role. So, before I get back to the quote I wanted to mention a scene from the epic movie “Remember the Titans”. The movie takes place during the civil rights movement, and describes a black school being integrated into a white school, and the challenges involved in bringing together a football team of black and white players. There’s a scene where the white captain is furious at the black captain for not being a team player. The black captain, bringing up a situation in which the white captain didn’t stand up for the black players replies, “Attitude reflects leadership, captain.”Ever since I heard that quote, it’s really stuck with me. That first quote from the church reflects that same idea. Whatever atmosphere the leaders of any team create, is the same attitude that is followed by the rest of the crowd. I saw this quote in action during my time with Kenyon Cross Country. In my sophomore and junior years , we had an incredibly serious, success-driven team that had some of the fastest runners I ever had the chance to train with.
Then, my senior year when I was a captain, we had a much more laid back atmosphere focused on bringing people together through running, rather than having a group of people that are focused on running.
Very different feels, and I think the difference had a lot to do with the leadership that was driving those teams. The first two years had incredibly talented and hard-working captains that set school records and ran at nationals, whereas my senior year I was burnt out on running and wanted to focus on cultivating friendships.Even though I knew these quotes and I was consciously trying to change the atmosphere of the team, I was still pleasantly surprised at what a drastic change the team feel went through. That’s what a good leader can do, I guess.from kenAre you trying to change your life? I'd love to hear about it! ken.e.noguchi@gmail.com
photo by dynamosquito
I came across an interesting insight from Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. Every city has a word. For example, New York’s is achieve and Rome’s is sex. Similarly, every person has a word. This got me thinking, what’s Portland’s word, and naturally, what’s my word? I’ll put the Portland question aside for now, since I’m still basically an extended-stay tourist, and focus on my word. I’ve heard that you should be able to sum up your current state in life to a few sentences. If that’s true, it’d be way easier just to be able to explain your life in a word, right? I like this idea because you really have to be true to yourself to funnel down everything you believe into one solitary word. But anyways, I decided that my word is: sacrifice. I don’t exactly know why I am sacrificing, I tell myself it’s for society. I don’t know if it’s a good thing, I like to think it is. I don’t even really know what I am sacrificing. But the way that word came to me, I know that sacrifice is my word. I’ve always had an uncomfortable taste for suffering. Mostly, I think I developed this taste through running. I think the most memorable period of my life is the summer I spent in Wyoming. I loved the friends I made there, climbing Middle Teton, working at the restaurant, but most of all I will never forget the absolutely heart-wrenching running I did there. Running twice a day, day after day, running more miles in a week than I ever believed possible. I ran over a thousand miles that summer. It sounds strange, but I think everybody should experience that sort of suffering. Not necessarily through running, but somehow. Maybe to understand what real suffering is like. Maybe because there is immense beauty in human struggle. Maybe because I am too proud to accept limits. It is absolutely scary how accurate John L. Parker’s Once A Runner, a novel about the trials of an olympian in training, portrays this sort of beauty in suffering. You should definitely read it. I assume this sort of constant suffering can’t be healthy, and I am starting to learn to cut myself some slack, for the better, hopefully. I think one of the reasons I came out to Portland was because I thought I needed to relax a little bit, have some fun, and enjoy myself more. On a sidenote, I think Portland’s word is something like chill, or fun, or happy. I started taking up new hobbies, forcing myself to get more sleep, etc. etc. And I probably should do some more of that. But another one of the reasons I came out to Portland was to learn to be true to myself. And one of the things I sincerely believe about my life is that I want to learn how to play with that border between pushing the edge and falling over to burnout. A Vince Lombardi quote: “In great attempts, it is glorious even to fail.”
When I burnout, or die, or both, some combination of which will probably happen to me, I just want to know that I tried. And maybe suffering is my way of knowing. Suffering drives me, to be able to push further and sacrifice myself more for the world that has given me so many amazing chances. And I guess that’s how I know my word is my word. So anyways, that’s my word. What’s your’s? from ken Are you trying to change your life? I'd love to hear about it! ken.e.noguchi@gmail.comphoto by Paulo Brandao
Two stories about appreciation: Last Sunday I went up to the lab for a bit. My lab is part of a hospital complex that is high up on a hill, so I bike to the bottom of the hill and take an aerial tram up.
Usually when I make this trip, I’m surrounded by other employees that are busy chatting with each other, checking their email, and generally being unresponsive. Since it was Sunday, the tram was instead filled with tourist types and other out of towners. They were all clamoring over the view, blown away by the birds eye view of Portland. Now, I’m sure there are at least a couple people on my daily tram commute that gaze out on an early morning Portland and really take it in. But still, the Sunday crew’s enthusiasm just reminded of how easy it is to become dull to our surroundings, and take amazing things for granted. A church I went to a couple years ago told this story about a teenage baseball star and his father. The star grew up idolizing his father’s professional baseball playing days and had worked hard to follow in his footsteps. He recently received a scholarship to play at a division I college and was a local hero. At one of his last home games, his father was interviewed by the local TV station and asked, “You must be so proud of your son, right?” To this he replied, “Yes, of course! He’s worked real hard, and has made me proud.” “Have you told your son that?” “Nah, I wouldn’t want it to go to his head.” Of course, maybe the father really had his son’s best interest in mind, but since this is a story, I’m going to interpret it how I want. I think the father avoided telling his son this because he was too proud to open himself up and let his son know how proud he was.
It’s so easy to forget about the people around you. The friends that I appreciate the most, the one's I saw most frequently, were the one's I would forget about the most.
At the same time, it’s hard these days, in fact it’s probably always been hard, for two non-romantic friends to talk about how much they appreciate each other. I can understand, the times I’ve done this it’s felt really hard to put that first foot forward, and still kind of awkward after I got that first foot in there. But also, every time I have put in that effort, it’s felt really great to just acknowledge our friendship. from kenAre you trying to change your life? I'd love to hear about it! ken.e.noguchi@gmail.comphoto by Per Ola Wiberg ~ Powi
