New Year's Resolutions

My New Year's Resolutions:

1) Study less, blog more. The more I think about med school and my career goals, the less I feel like investing my precious time trying to do well on med school written exams is worth it.  

2) 10,000 total push ups.  I usually don't have that much trouble going to the gym since it helps keeps me sane, but I don't really like doing push ups.  10k is 60 every other day, which seems doable. sidenote - my least favorite part of New Year's Resolutions is the crowd of people at the gym. If I worked at a gym, I would find someway to take advantage of the January influx.  

3) Make the year awesome for my wife. A big part of marriage is deciding your own happiness is not about your own stats or paycheck, but rather the good of the whole. I want to help Katie thrive in Charleston this year.  

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My friend from Wyoming, Corey Schneider had the best Resolution I've seen, so I'll just wrap up with it:

"This year is going to be different. I am going to starting eating better, exercising more. I will cut down on drinking. I'll smoke my last cigarette. I'll lose 10 pounds. I'll stop watching television, and spend less time on the computer.

Corey and I climbing mountains,
working on our squinting

I will be more positive, more humble. Become a better friend and a better boyfriend. I'll stay in better contact with my family members. I will make new friends, and reconnect with old ones. I will stop giving my time and energy towards people in my life who do not do the same.

I will work a job that I do not hate. I will worry less about money, and and even less about material possessions. I will stop supporting large corporations and chains, and start supporting local and family owned businesses. I will volunteer my time to organizations that deserve it.

I will skateboard more, and go camping more. I will shoot more photographs, and make another short film. I'll see more local bands, and listen to more new music. I'll devote all my free time towards creative endeavors. I will embark on the trip of a lifetime, and finally see Europe. I will take a 3 day camping trip on a motorcycle, with or without you.

I will sleep less, and live more. 

And I will stop using facebook."

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I love it, except for the facebook part.  I plan to dominate the internet this year.

See you on the other side,

from ken

taking requests for future blog posts. please comment or email.

Why Wyoming is my favorite state pt. 2: The Trial of Miles

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“You know people just don’t, people just don’t see how much work is really involved in this rap shit. I didn’t know it, I didn’t see it, I never saw it until I was actually in it. You really gotta be in it, to understand what it’s like, but you always gotta, people always gotta see you smiling, you always gotta put on that fake, you know what I’m saying? Like, no matter what you just been through, it has gotta be right.”

        - Cypress Hill

When I shipped out to Wyoming, I made a list of five goals.  In retrospect, I don't even remember them.  Except for the one I stuck to: Running 1000 miles in the 90 days I would spend in Wyoming.  Some quick math reveals that, on average, I would need to run over eleven miles every single day.

It was the summer before my junior year cross country season.  As everyone who has run cross country knows, the real preparation is done in the summer, and when the season rolls around in the fall, it’s all just fine tuning.  That summer, everyone on our team knew we were getting ready for a huge season.  We had a strong class of seniors, and we knew this would be our big shot at making nationals.  Everyone was amped, and the summer really showed it.  Every week people were putting up 70, 80, 90 mile weeks like it was nothing.  It is not nothing to run over 10 miles a day.  It is hard.  And it takes a toll on your soul.

When I reached my summer training grounds, Wyoming, the first challenge was adapting to the climate.  For one, there was snow until late June.  On top of that, it was over 6,000 ft altitude.  My first run was a three miler - for a runner at my level a three mile run was the equivalent of walking down your front steps to pick up the morning paper - but the second day I got there when I went on that three miler, I thought I was having a heart attack.

The second challenge was deciding where to train.  There was a gravel/dirt road, Grassy Lake road, that lead out from our ranch all the way to Idaho.  So everyday I chose to run on that road, out and back.  It could have been nice to train on different terrain and varied scenery, but there was something unexplainably valuable to training on the same road day in and day out.  So after the snow melted, I began my daily ventures on Grassy Lake road:

It took me a couple weeks to shake off the rust and get my legs back underneath me after the track season, but soon enough I was hitting the high mileage.

There are always different philosophies on training, but I was always a big fan of two a days.  I got up before work and cracked out a real easy half hour jog.  It got my heart rate going a bit, and helped my legs recover from the main afternoon run.  In the afternoon, after work or between shifts, I would pound out the main session – a good hour or more.

On my days off, I would crank out a good two hour long run.  Those runs were thrilling in the sense that they made me feel powerful.  I saw my pre-conceived limits bowing down to the reality I was creating.  One such reality was the volume of running my rail-thin body could handle.

To be continued next week.

See you on the other side,

from ken 

Feel free to comment! I would love to hear your thoughts on the writing.

When everything was falling apart

Maybe you’ve heard The Fray song, “You Found Me.” I always saw this song as a beautiful story:

Isaac, the lead singer, is wandering the dimly lit streets of Denver by himself. He is clearly weary, to the point where he’s questioning the existence of a God he’s not even sure he believes in. Out of desperation he cries out, “Where you been?”

God replies back: Ask anything.

Isaac: Where were you, when my marriage was falling apart?

Where were you when there were starving kids in Africa?

Where were you single mothers lost their jobs because of irresponsible bosses?

I kept calling you!

God: What? Where were you? Why do you think I sent you?

…

If I have been gifted with anything throughout my lifetime, it is an acute ability to feel other people’s suffering. When I hear about a family’s messy divorce, or a friend’s struggle with depression, I feel their pain, sharply. Suffering is how I understand the world, and at the same time it’s what draws me into the world. I want people to feel just a little bit less pain.

Going day to day, sometimes I can become obsessed, and all I see is suffering. Some days it drive me crazy.

Other days I see different things. Some days I see the good people I’ve met during my life. People I love. People I sometimes care about, in a weird way, more than myself. On some days, those people keep me from giving up on life.

Two of my friends recently got engaged. Maybe you know them: Kaleb Keyserling and Lauren Metzger. They are absolutely lovely human beings. If I grow into half the human being the two of them are, I would count my life as a success.

Hearing they got engaged, it warmed my heart in a way that nothing else has in a long time. In such an ugly world, it made me feel like good things still happen in the world. Two beautiful human beings, can still come together and live in happiness. It made me feel, for a short moment that everything was right in the world. And that the world could still be how it was meant to be.

And this intersection is what keeps me going.

On one hand, I see suffering.

On the other, I see people I love.

And it pains me to live in a world where those two things have to intersect.

This is why I choose to live. If I could have anything, I would want people to be happy. I think, maybe if I become a little smarter, a little more patient, or more humble, maybe I can leave the world a better place.

When I die, and God asks me, “Where were you, when everything was falling apart?” I can say that I was there. I can say that I cared about people, and I tried.

from ken

Feel free to comment! I would love to hear your thoughts.

Why teach

The ever-popular NYTimes columnist David Brooks had a hit column a while ago called, “It’s not about you.” To summarize: the traditional sequence for recent college grads is to find yourself, and then go out and do something. As a counterpoint, Brooks suggests that life is about going out and doing something, and finding yourself in the process.

It made me think about my own dreams. I was recently browsing through OHSU med school’s blog and I saw they had a series entitled “Why I teach.” They were interviews with OHSU professors well-known for their commitment to teaching. It reminded me of my goal to mentor/teach, partly because my dream is to empower people who are passionate about their own dreams, but mostly so I can tell people what I think about life.

I attended a small liberal arts college where the professors deliberately chose a teaching-focused career, and now I attend a growing church that invests a lot of energy into developing leaders. Between the two, I feel like I’ve been spoiled. I can remember three professors from Kenyon in particular, that brought three different positives to teaching that I would love to emulate.

One was Chris Gillen, a biology professor I had for several classes. Despite teaching at Kenyon for years, he maintained a contagious enthusiasm during his 8 AM lectures that made it much easier to learn something, and actually stay awake.

A second was Joan Slonczewski, my research mentor who always went the extra yard to give her students experiences to move them forward beyond Kenyon. You could tell she just wanted to help.

A third was John Hofferberth, a professor I had for six grueling semesters of chemistry. The best part of Dr. H. was that even though he loved chemistry, he knew the students in his classes were not there because of their shared love for chemistry, but rather to excel at standardized tests. I admired his effort to prepare lectures, grade exams, and in whatever way train the students to get out of the classes what they needed.

My favorite part of all these great professors was that they understood their crucial role in the education process. They knew that whatever the students learned at Kenyon was not the ultimate goal of their education. But at the same time, they had developed a keen understanding for how to reach students, and help them get exactly what they needed out of Kenyon. Maybe for a pre-med student in Orgo, it was to excel on the MCATs. Maybe for a pre-scientist, it was getting hands on research experience as an undergraduate. Maybe for a confused 18 year old, it was simply to be enthuiastic about life.

Anyways, seeing these great professors has really inspired me to love mentoring. Working on all the med school applications, the most common question is: Where do you see your career leading you?

And of course I have no idea, but I know I love academic medical centers. I have spent some time working at the behemoth of Harvard med school, as well as the smaller but still huge OHSU. Walking around these centers, I love seeing the nursing students, the physicians-in-training, the young scientists. Though these people are adults, as professionals, these people are almost infants, and I love the parent-like training role of leaders at these academic medical centers.

I think that parent-like role is fundamental to the balance of life. Start out being trained and taken care of, and then as you learn more, teach others.

from ken

Are you thinking about something? Write about it and post it here! Email me! ken.e.noguchi@gmail.com

Moved west, road narrows

Life in those years right after college, the most immediate thing I’ve noticed is: Shit. I can do whatever I want. My life road is wherever I want it to be.

Anyways, I was just drinking a beer, enjoying a contemplative moment listening to iTunes on shuffle, and “In the beginning” by K’naan came on. This was the song I titled my first post after. Hearing the song made me go back and read that post, which in turn reminded me of the goals I had in coming out to the west coast.

- love my life now
- and of course, pursue “sidenotes,” which I defined as those random interests you have in your life that you never take the time to pursue, to figure out the right roads for me

Thinking about these goals has made me realize something important about sidenotes.

“If you would be a real seeker after truth, it is necessary that at least once in your life you doubt, as far as possible, all things.”
- Rene Descartes

I came out here as a scientist to work in a cell biology lab, but when I hit a real struggle in my research, for a time, I thought I would throw it all away and pursue nursing or public health. Research can move so slow, and be so frustrating at times that I hate it. Some weeks, I randomly spent 50 60 hours in lab, with nothing to show at the end of it. I could have spent the week on my couch eating Lays and watching Glee and my week would have been equally as useful.

But when it comes down to it, I love the prospect of taking courses like “Eukaryotic Molecular Biology,” reading about cell signaling molecules like Akt and TfR2, and racking my brain to think of the necessary experiments to complete a publication. It’s a love/hate relationship, but realizing this made me set on applying for a research oriented grad program.

I also came out here as a college cross country and track athlete, which basically meant, I was a gym junkie. In college, several times a week I was at the KAC (Kenyon Athletic Center) twice a day. Not only because I wanted to be more fit, but because it just made me feel at peace to exercise.

But when I moved out to Portland, working out seemed like a boring hobby and didn’t really mesh with the alternative culture out here. After running a marathon, I ditched running cold turkey, cut off my gym membership and tried out several hobbies ranging from cycling, yoga, hiking, photography, playing the harmonica, drawing, baking, and none of them fit the bill.

About a month ago, I ended up rejoining a gym, and I’m currently in the process of taking up working out as a stress-relieving hobby. I don’t run, but I still love hitting the gym. There is nothing in my life that brings me more internal peace than a quick semi-intense 30 minute workout.

I guess at its essence, the concept of sidenotes is to try new things and figure out what you like, but more importantly what you don’t. By both considering a life in research, and a life away from it, I’ve basically figured out the next ten years of my life - hopefully training to be a physician-scientist. And by trying out a barrage of random hobbies, I’ve been drawn back to a hobby I’ve had all along that will hopefully keep me sane through those ten years - working out.

When I came out to the PDX, I was starving for that missing piece of the puzzle that would complete my life. But I guess really, pursuing those sidenotes has just brought me back to what I lived and loved in college, and the road narrowed, a little.

from ken

Are you thinking about something? Write about it and post it here! Email me! ken.e.noguchi@gmail.com

I'm not too concerened with what I am going to do

Earlier today, I was thinking about a question: What do you consider to be your personal achievements? I thought about it for a bit, then bulleted out a few of my accomplishments.

• Being elected one of the captains of my college cross country team, despite being the slowest
• Publishing a scientific article in a peer-reviewed journal
• Having the courage to move to across the country to Portland despite not knowing anyone
• Maintaining this blog for as long as I have, and learning to love writing
• Sustaining old friendships east of the Mississippi

As I looked over this list, and reflected a bit on what I’ve done with my life up to this point, I got to thinking. And I remembered the words of the humanity activist Shane Claiborne:

“I’m not too concerned with what I am going to do. I am more interested in who I am becoming.”

As I try to decide where to go with my life, and what sort of accomplishments to shoot for next, I’m really shifting my focus from tangible goals like getting x job or winning y award, to the sort of person I’m becoming. I figure, if I become more and more the sort of person I desire to be, the accomplishments will fall into place.

Sidenote, Amulya and I always used to talk about how we were “intangible” guys. At its core, it was basically our way to explain us not being as good as other people on paper. Other people might have higher IQ’s, harder abs, faster cars, wittier jokes, but the things that can’t counted, we had that. Or at least, it helped me sleep at night.

Anyways, I summed up the sort of person I want to become in three points:

1. I want a, “For the horde,” mentality. I think life was meant to be lived for the good of society. We were meant to both, be taken care of, and take care of. It’s hard for me to remember this, but I want to put myself in a position to give back. past post

2. I want to always place myself in an environment of growth. I want to have the courage to leave old environments and enter into brand new scary ones. I know it’s easy to get stale, and then be scared to leave that comfort, but I also know I will just get frustrated with myself in that stale zone.

“Learning is not attained by chance, it must be sought for with ardor and attended to with diligence.” – Abigail Adams

3. I want to be grateful. I want to always remember the opportunities I’ve had, and have now. past post

“There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.” – Albert Einstein

from ken

Are you thinking about something? Write about it and post it here! Email me! ken.e.noguchi@gmail.com

Where to next?

Recently an old friend emailed me, and shared with me his struggles about leaving college and finding that he lacks a sense of direction. I wanted to thank this friend for reaching out! It helps me in my writing and sharing to know that others have these same struggles. I also believe writing to be the most honest and cathartic form of communication.

It seems like it would be great to lose the chains of college, and just live for your own direction. Of course, this is only true until you really realize, “Oh shit. I have to determine my own direction.” That was a scary thought for me. Through college I got used to professors having expectations of me that I fought to fill. The praise and acceptance of both my peers and superiors was addicting. I just wanted other people to tell me I was doing a good job. People did, but it left me feeling hollow.

In my experience, one of the best feelings in the world is to feel like you are living for a purpose greater than yourself.

I felt like this when I spent a summer in Wyoming. I sacrificed my time and fun to run ninety mile weeks, week in and week out in the high and dry Wyoming air. Some days, it was more painful than others, and it inflicted a sort of mental anguish that was far greater than the physical toll of a solo 20 mile long run. Every morning I still beat the sun out of bed, and ran. I did this for my teammates. I placed my hopes in the dream that we would be running at nationals that fall.

I also felt like this during my junior year of college. That year was my hardest year academically. I woke up, ate breakfast, studied, went to class, studied, and went to sleep. Literally, if I was wake I was probably trying to cram in one more fact about RNA polymerase or rotational velocity. Was it necessarily the best thing for my life? That’s hard to say, but I know that without that year my dreams of going to med school would have vanished faster than my dreams of running at nationals.

In hindsight, I don’t know if either the goal of competing at cross country nationals, or going to med school were necessarily “good” goals. But I believe the bottom line stands. At those times of my life, I suffered, but I was also extremely satisfied because I knew that my life had purpose, and that there was something out there more important than my selfish needs.

I certainly lack that direction now. Being out of school, one of the things I miss most is the community of students. Sharing the suffering of cramming for a biochem midterm, or writing a senior exercise about the biological implications about the hydrogenase isoenzymes is one like no other. Having had that extrinsically instilled sense of direction drilled into me for the past four years, my life now feels aimless and lost.

But I think losing that guidance and being aimless for a while can be valuable. Eventually I hope to be back in school. However, when I return, it will probably be as a research student, where the guidance and framework is vague.

On a sidenote, I have heard from several of my friends that research is a highly intrinsically motivated field, you really need to be in it for yourself. In that sense, it’s a lot like running. You can’t bother comparing yourself to other runners, there are always stronger, faster, and more disciplined runners. You can only look at yourself, and measure yourself against your own internal GPS.

Anyways, back to the being lost point. I’m hoping that this aimlessness will force me to grow my own sense of meaning to life, a much more sustainable driving force than the praise of others. With graduation, the framework of school can disappear. With changing interests, the colleagues that motivated you can disappear. Eventually, maybe we all have to find something we love enough that we can intrinsically motivate ourselves to do it. It’s hard to say how that discovery process works. Maybe we just fuck around until we find something we like. Who knows.

from ken

Are you thinking about something? Write about it and post it here! Email me! ken.e.noguchi@gmail.com

Mid-life crisis, pt 18

Recently, I’ve struggled a ton with writing. I haven’t been happy with anything I’ve written nor have I had any fun ideas. Pretty much, I feel like a complete failure. I figured this would be a good time to reassess why I wanted to write in the first place.

Brené Brown speaks about the human need to live with authenticity and belonging. She emphasizes how people have to allow their true selves to be seen, and through that vulnerability, authentic connections can be established. Further, she suggests courage as a key component, and defines courage as the ability to tell our stories with our whole heart.

That’s really why I wanted to write. I know writing is the best way I communicate. I wanted to get at what my story was. I wanted to let others relate to my struggles. Really, I just wanted to keep it real.

So, I’m going to write about my biggest struggle right now. It’s one that has haunted me for years.

I recently read The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho, a Latin American fable about following your personal calling. It was a heart-warming and inspiring story, but it made me think... What is my dream? What does a dream even look like? In the midst of the typical post-college fog, my question is really: What am I doing with my life?

That's right, at the age of 22 I have already attained mid-life crisis status.

I’m currently in the process of getting ready to apply to med school, and I have no idea what sort of role I want to play in medicine. Well, the problem is more like: I have somewhere between one to two bazillion ideas of what I think my role should be.

Sometimes I love science and get caught up writing about the role of acid resistance systems in enteric bacteria. This makes me feel like I would love to pursue a research-oriented career, thinking and chatting about science all day. Of course, this also makes me feel guilty. Don’t I have a social obligation to help the poor?

Then, I see such a dire need to engage with people that I would love to be a primary care physician. I feel like that job is fundamentally to care about people and walk people through health-related fears. It also really puts you on the frontlines of medicine and social justice outreach. Although, do I really have the patience to put up with people all day?

Other times I’m inspired by global health heroes like Paul Farmer, and I’d love to be an ER physician working in disaster-response in the developing world. But… I do love the city life.

Other times yet, I want to work in leadership and policy development, and fundamentally change the way medical students are selected. Really make wide-scale change! … or would I just get buried in paper work and bureaucratic meetings?

I’d like to have a life that encompasses the best of all these worlds. Somehow combining writing, social justice, science, and leadership. … I guess that is my dream! And I suppose I need to just keep living a life that cultivates each of those things. How to do that is an entirely new question… Progress!

from ken

Are you thinking about something? Write about it and post it here! Email me! ken.e.noguchi@gmail.com

New year, new strategy for goal setting

As 2010 comes to a close, and the new year is rising upon us, this is what I’ve learned: everybody, everybody, hates New Year’s Resolutions. They never work. Nobody ever sticks to them. All they do is discourage and disappoint you. I’m pretty sure they’re roughly 80% of the reason for the coming World War III.

So today, I reached the logical conclusion of setting a couple good ol’ New Year’s Resolutions for myself. In thinking of these Resolutions, I encouraged myself to stay away from practical things like, write more consistently, work out every morning, or anything else that looked like a usual New Year’s Resolution.

Sidenote: I think I figured out why most New Year’s Resolutions fail, because nobody actually cares one way or the other about practical things. In fact, I just looked it up, the definition of practical is: things people should care about but don’t. Anyways, here are my Resolutions.

1) Attempt fishing three times

Part of my goal for my time in Portland was to try out sidenotes, or random small sparks of interest, and fishing has always been one of them. I love the idea of hiking to a lake, camping out there, sitting next to the water, drinking some lukewarm beers, talking shit, and miserably failing to catch any fish.

2) Sleep less

I think I’ve always just wished I had more time. There are so many random sidenotes that I immediately discard because I say, I don’t have the time. It would also just be convenient to add more hours to my day.

3) Eat less

I can’t explain this one. I am fascinated by human physiology. The more I learn, the more curious I am to how I can abuse and manipulate it. I like the idea of needing less food. And fasting, I think it’s funny.

4) Drink more coffee and tea

I love the idea of those people who need coffee to function and act like pretentious assholes when they haven’t had coffee in the last two hours. I suppose I should prepare to say an early goodbye to my kidney.

5) Incorporate the terms “boss,” “baller,” and “my friend,” into my everyday dialect

As in: My friend, let me tell you about that dude over there, he just defended his PhD thesis and completed his 18th triathlon in the same day. What a boss. Yeah, he’s a total baller.

Again, I fully admit none of these Resolutions are backed by anything resembling logic. I used to think every goal should have a purpose: How does this help me get to med school? How does this make me a more caring person? How does this help my relationship? etc. etc. I still believe in a focusing vision, but I’ve also started to remember that I want to follow those stupid sidenotes that are on your heart for no apparent reason. If they're really engraved on your heart that deeply, there must be some reason for that, right?

from ken

Are you thinking about something? Write about it and post it here! Email me! ken.e.noguchi@gmail.com

the about me page

So I recently updated my about page.

The "about this blog" section is still vague because, to be honest, I really don't know what this blog is about. Primarily, it's just a vehicle for me to practice my writing. I really see writing as an important part of my life in the coming days. If people want to read it, I'm thrilled to hear comments, but if not, I'm just happy to have the opportunity to write. I'm not sure why, but it feels like the right place to be.

The "about me" section is a little more solidified. I read a cool book called What Happy People Know by Dan Baker, a happiness psychologist. He outlines what qualities he sees in happy people, and one of his important ones is that happy people know where they are in life and where they want to be headed, if only vaguely. Basically, he suggests knowing your "life story" in a three sentence version or so. I've seen various permutations of this idea - a six word life summary, a word to summarize your life, etc. So anyways, that's what I tried to do the about me section, copied/pasted:

My name is Ken Noguchi. There are two things you should know about me:

1- I want to change the world.
2- I don't have a middle name, but I always wished it started with E, so my initials could be KEN.

I just graduated from Kenyon College, a rural school in Ohio, and moved out to Portland, Oregon to work as a lab manager at Oregon Health & Science University. Our lab studies the signaling mechanisms behind iron homeostasis. My dream is to manage a holistic health organization that takes a radical interdisciplinary approach to empower people to take care of other people.

I try to spend as much time as possible: being with people so I can learn to hate people less, reading and writing so I can learn to better communicate truth, and hanging out at coffee shops so I can be trendy.

If you are reading this blog for the first time, please start with the first post, "In the beginning..."

from ken

Are you trying to change your life? I'd love to hear about it! ken.e.noguchi@gmail.com

Small Change

Much like Ken, I graduated from a small liberal arts college about 5 months ago and now I'm living in a new city with a new job and a completely new life. Also like Ken, this year is dedicated to changing my life, or at least putting it on a path that will make me feel happy and fulfilled. This post, which I am very grateful to be writing, is about remembering that big change happens a little at a time.

Coming out of college I was thinking big, as that's pretty much what we are all taught to do. I was thinking about all the big changes I could make in my life to really shuffle things up and dig deep into my soul and figure out who I really am and what I really believe and what makes me feel flow. So I moved to Houston, Texas, pretty much out of the blue, because I knew that was a big change for a Massachusetts kid. I accepted a job here teaching middle school to underprivileged youth, because I thought that's where I would learn most about myself. I had no friends in the area, I had no long term plans, and I was blinded by this idea of 'Big Change'. Recently I signed up for the Austin Marathon, another one of my Big Change ideas. Although I ran XC with Ken in high school, he'll be the first to tell you that I wasn't a runner. I played Ultimate Frisbee in college, and the main reason I signed up for the Austin Marathon was because I was excited to provide some structure to my daily life and also because as far as I was concerned, this was the year of Big Changes.

What I failed to realize throughout all of this (or perhaps what I chose to ignore) is that it is often the smallest change that can have the most lasting impact on our character. It is also the smaller changes that are most difficult to make in our daily lives. At the risk of sounding cliche, a little change can make a big difference, and I lost site of that. When I recently sat down to reflect on my first 100 days away from home, I realized that for the most part I was the same person I had been during my senior year of college. Despite all of these Big Changes, the essential fabric of my being was 100% the same. I had been so caught up in all the Big Changes in my life that I forgot to take advantage of all the daily opportunities I have to make small changes. Those are the most difficult resolutions to keep, like remembering to call your parents at least once a week just because it makes them happy to hear from you, or being nice to a colleague or peer that is ostracized by others, or remembering to take the high road when you are feeling petty or bitter towards someone else. Those are the real opportunities for Big Change in your life that can change your character for the better.

Just two nights ago I faced a predicament with a girl that I like, and to keep a long story short, it was exactly like a situation I faced a year ago with a different girl. I handled the situation extremely poorly the first time. I was petty, selfish and blinded by emotions. This time around, unfortunately, I still handled it poorly. I was still petty, still selfish, but at least I was conscious of the fact that I was being unreasonable. For me, that is a small step, and some may wonder why I wasn't more mature. But, at least I'm moving in the right direction and perhaps next time I am faced with a similar situation I can handle it in the ideal way. For now, however, I have to be content with small change. I figure eventually, it will all add up.

Guest Writer: Amulya Iyer

Are you trying to change your life? I'd love to hear about it! ken.e.noguchi@gmail.com

Portland Marathon 2010

At seven in the morning, it was pouring rain, frigidly cold, and pitch dark. I was just counting down the seconds until the race would start. I kept trying to cheer myself up, but between the rain, cold, darkness, and EVERYONE complaining about it, it was tough to keep a bright attitude. I think we were all thinking the same thing, “I should’ve ran the San Diego Marathon.” This race was going to suck.

Then just as the gun went off, I overheard the woman next to me exclaim, “DOES THE RAIN MAKE MY TITS LOOK BIG?” After that, I knew this was going to be a good day.

To preface this post, I was training semi-seriously in the beginning of the summer, doing consistent long runs up to 15 miles. But the past couple months I’ve probably been running less than 20 miles a week. If I was even going to finish this marathon, it was pretty much going to take a miracle.

Oh, and it turns out, running a big marathon, I’m guessing any with 10,000+ people, is really a big celebration for all the running you did to get there.

Coming from the Boston Marathon, I wasn’t expecting too much support, but I was pleasantly surprised at how much of the city came out to support the runners. There are bands and water stands filled with enthusiastic kids along the way. Some runners even dressed for the occasion, including a green tutu wearing fairy, complete with wings and wand. I’m assuming he lost a bet or something, but then again, Portland’s pretty weird, so you never know.

Miles 3 – 16 pretty much went on like this, I was enjoying the celebration, smiling and all. I felt smooth and comfortable, but I knew somewhere around 2 to 3 hours I was going to hit a wall.

Around mile 16, some bulky looking tough guy rolled up next to me clearly running faster than everyone else. I was still feeling pretty good at this point, so I lined up behind him and we must have split out some sub 7 minute miles. Sidenote: I feel like I was just doing long runs at that pace, but not running competitively makes you appreciate how fast that really feels.

He kept stopping for water at every station, so I used those seconds to catch my breath until we were chugging along again. I kept at it though, and eventually after one water station around mile 19 I dropped him, and I was feeling strong.

It was right around this point I knew the wall was inevitable, so I started slowing down at more water stations to grab the rip-off Gatorade and gummy bears. With all the sugar, my energy level was staying high, but right around mile 22 my quads slowly tightened more and more.

I figured, if I can’t stride normally I’ll just increase my stride rate! This sounded like a great idea at the time, but the awkwardness of my stride was probably somewhere between a goose and Jackson Cabo.

This worked for a while, until the 23 mile mark, right at the beginning of a downhill, when my left hammy cramped up with the kind of intensity that shoots you out of bed. Probably as a result of overcompensating for my tight quads. My running intuition told me this would pass, so I just massaged it out and walked around in circles for a few minutes before starting up again.

From there, I kept tightening up more, and slowed, and slowed, as all the people I had overconfidently blown past from miles 16 – 22 slowly came whipping past me on the decline back to downtown.

As everyone raced past me, I was trying to figure out if this sucked, if I felt helpless, or regretted my lack or training, but then I realized, I was at mile 24! There was really no way I wasn’t going to finish. It felt surreal, both easier and harder than I imagined.

Before I knew it, I could see the finish line. I kind of had this image of kicking past a ton of old guys here, but at this point my top speed was probably around 10 or 11 minute mile pace, so I was the one getting kicked on. I crossed the line at 3:35. And stopped. It felt like most milestone accomplishments do, great but not quite on par with what you imagined.

So am I done running forever? Well no, I signed up for a race next August called Hood to Coast, a 12 man relay race from the mountains (Mt. Hood) on the east side of Oregon, to the coast on the west side. But I am done letting running limit my freedom.

So, in the famous words of Caleb Roupp:
Friend: Ken, are you cooling down? (Ken plugs in headphones and prepares to nap)
Ken: Welp, I’m not running again till August.

from ken

Are you trying to change your life? I'd love to hear about it! ken.e.noguchi@gmail.com

photo by kk+

The American Dream

Recently, I read a Time article about the novelist Jonathan Franzen. It was about his new novel Freedom and the decline of the American novel. Franzen’s novel is about a typical American upper middle class family living in the suburbs, with unfulfilled desires and superficial happiness. It’s a criticism of modern America’s obsession with anything that takes away “freedom.”

We’ve become so obsessed with simply the idea of freedom that we’ve forgotten that freedom is simply a means to an end, assuming the end is to have a meaningful life.

Personally, I love freedom. It’s easily what I love most about graduating from college and leaving the college bubble. Especially living in a city, there’s options and choices everywhere you look. New hobbies to take up, graduate programs to apply to, friends to meet, food carts to sample. It’s great having such a commitment-free life. I can do whatever I want, whenever.

I know, though, that living in this sort of freedom-driven world can only be satisfying for so long. The unfortunate thing about a commitment-free life is that there’s no investment, and so the returns can be pretty shallow.

Take for instance, my marathon training. I’ve been taking my training really relaxed, running when I want, trying not to put too much pressure on it. Running in college used to be so stressful for me, so this change is great because I never get too stressed from it. That’s the best thing about freedom, you can always walk away whenever something gets too stressful.

The flip side? You always have an out from every “commitment”. You never work through struggles, and it’s kind of the whole “no pain, no gain,” idea.

In fact, Franzen explains in his interview:

“One of the ways of surrendering freedom is to actually have convictions.”

When you believe something, it’s scary, because you have to make decisions not just based on our animal-like immediate desires to make decisions, but you have to think about what is best for your vision.

I like for my life to be a sort of y = 3 sin x graph rather than a y = 1, assuming the y-axis represent happiness. (My friend Mooks and I once planned to write a book about math functions and relationships). Having the freedom to try new and different things, you can maintain a certain level of happiness, never getting too down on yourself. Whereas sticking by your beliefs can have big payoffs and also big pains.

Taking advantage of our freedom and eating that extra piece of bacon, buying that new pair of shoes, or whatever other general satisfaction of a superficial desire you can think of, never seems to be as satisfying as it seems. But to be able to say, at the end of the day, that when you were challenged, you held firm to your convictions, I think that brings about a real feel of satisfaction.

from ken

Are you trying to change your life? I'd love to hear about it! ken.e.noguchi@gmail.com

photo by *L*u*z*A*

Attitude reflects leadership

So I’m going to write a two-part post, the first part being a general rant on leadership, and the second part being what makes a good leader.

I had been thinking about leadership the last couple days, but I was inspired when I saw a quote on a church advertisement:

“It is a struggle to get children to listen to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.”

I’ll come back to that quote later.

Leadership seems like a very elusive issue, every environment I’ve ever gone through including groups I was in charge of, like old jobs, sports teams, service organizations, always, always seems to lack good leadership. This is probably because being a good leader is 99% non-glamorous work that nobody will notice.

And of course, a situation with good leaders is different from a situation with big ego’s, which I’ve definitely contributed to. When you just want to see your vision carried out rather than accomplish the actual mission of the group, it’s easy just to mash together some big ego’s.

The times I have been in a situation with good leadership it just felt like the group just had a better sense of direction and actually accomplished something, rather than functioning aimlessly.

I’ve read so much about how good leaders assert themselves by being useful or likeable or needed rather than because they simply want to lead. I always resented that I wanted to be a good leader, since it felt powerhungry and selfish. But I'm starting to realize that's just a part of who I am, and as I learn more about embracing every part of myself, I'm accepting that I will always want to be in a leadership role.

So, before I get back to the quote I wanted to mention a scene from the epic movie “Remember the Titans”. The movie takes place during the civil rights movement, and describes a black school being integrated into a white school, and the challenges involved in bringing together a football team of black and white players. There’s a scene where the white captain is furious at the black captain for not being a team player. The black captain, bringing up a situation in which the white captain didn’t stand up for the black players replies, “Attitude reflects leadership, captain.”

Ever since I heard that quote, it’s really stuck with me. That first quote from the church reflects that same idea. Whatever atmosphere the leaders of any team create, is the same attitude that is followed by the rest of the crowd.

I saw this quote in action during my time with Kenyon Cross Country. In my sophomore and junior years , we had an incredibly serious, success-driven team that had some of the fastest runners I ever had the chance to train with.

Then, my senior year when I was a captain, we had a much more laid back atmosphere focused on bringing people together through running, rather than having a group of people that are focused on running.

Very different feels, and I think the difference had a lot to do with the leadership that was driving those teams. The first two years had incredibly talented and hard-working captains that set school records and ran at nationals, whereas my senior year I was burnt out on running and wanted to focus on cultivating friendships.

Even though I knew these quotes and I was consciously trying to change the atmosphere of the team, I was still pleasantly surprised at what a drastic change the team feel went through. That’s what a good leader can do, I guess.

from ken

Are you trying to change your life? I'd love to hear about it! ken.e.noguchi@gmail.com

photo by dynamosquito

Why I love the tail ends of a day

I love the start of the day because it reflects hope for your day. A quote from the movie Hitch:

“Start every day, as if it were on purpose.”

A great movie and a great quote. When I struggle out of bed in the morning, blindsided by my alarm, I stagger for a few moments. Then, I try my best to remember why I’m waking up instead of going back to sleep and doing nothing.

My morning routine is so habitualized that I don’t really have to think through it, instead I work on reminding myself of my goals: being friendly and open with people, staying patient when things don’t go my way, be willing to take risks.

I usually continue this process through my bike ride commute through an eerily peaceful downtown. The serene feel of the city and the morning in general really helps put me in the right mindset to take on the day.

I also love the end of the day, but because it provides a little bit of time to reflect. At these times, I often turn to a pair of quotes by St. Francis de Sales and Mary Anne Radmacher:

“Have patience with all thing, but chiefly have patience with yourself. Don’t lose courage in considering your own imperfections.”

“Courage does not always roar, sometimes, courage is the quiet voice at the end of the night whispering, I will try again tomorrow.”

It’s easy to only see the failures when you recollect on the day: I wish I hadn’t said that, I can’t believe I fell off my bike in front of all those people, I hate that I messed up again! But I think a lot of life is about courage. To accept those failures and to keep on failing. Maybe hoping that one day you’ll get the breaks, but also being ok if you don’t.

At the end of the day, if you can honestly look yourself in the mirror, look at all the high points and low points of you day, and tell yourself that you wouldn’t want to be living any other life, well, that’s a pretty good end to a day!

from ken

Are you trying to change your life? I'd love to hear about it! ken.e.noguchi@gmail.com

photo by Vince Alongi

Don't forget to enjoy your victories

Have you ever felt like everything in your life was going right?
Felt like years of hard work have finally paid off?
Does everything you touch turn to gold?

Some people may say that such a picturesque time is a fallacy and that you shouldn’t live for the successes and those perfect days. I heard some wise words that said, “Success is nothing, it is an accident.” I am definitely a recent convert to this sort of wisdom that puts the focus on the journey rather than the end destination. That was one of the important realizations that made me want to change my life and actually do more things I loved doing, not just loved the idea of doing.

So you shouldn’t just live for the peak of the mountain, so to say, but it seems like every once in a long while, all the stars can align. And when they do, there’s really no reason not to sit back, appreciate all you’ve done, and enjoy the ride. Of course, it sounds obvious to enjoy the good times, but I know I have a tendency to push any victories off to the side, and immediately try to refocus myself on the journey. But sometimes it's good to celebrate.

The best way I can describe this feeling is that I can see so many of the goals I set for myself coming together and crystallizing in front of my eyes. Really quick, two of these goals were:

Get involved in a community: I feel like I’m really starting to love my church family and I’m starting to meet more and more people.

Figure out what I want to do with my life: I love my time volunteering at the pediatrics clinic. In fact, it pains me to leave.

Anyways, my friend and I referred to these times as “hot streaks,” and it reminds me of the importance of having purpose in life. Whenever you can see that your daily actions align with some sort of greater purpose you’ve set for your life, it really feels like your life is rolling, and just like that you’re on a hot streak.

from ken

Are you trying to change your life? I'd love to hear about it! ken.e.noguchi@gmail.com

photo by Beverly and Pack

What are my circumstances asking me to do?

David Brooks had this insightful column in the New York Times today about a commencement speech given by an economist at Harvard Business School. The speech was about living a meaningful life by finding your life goal and allocating your time and energy around that goal. Specifically, the speech emphasized creating personal time for yourself outside of your career or your studies to pursue family time or friend time or hobby time, and help yourself figure out that vision.

Brooks went on to add to the speech, articulating a second way of life focused on the moment. It was interesting for me to see these two ideas come head to head, as they are somewhat, but not completely, opposing ideas. He argues that young people can’t understand the meaning of abstract concepts like parenthood or old age until they are engaged in them, and it’s useless to try to plan so far ahead.

He claims the big question these types of people ask is, “What are my circumstances asking me to do?” This question creates a lifestyle that is much more concrete and short-term, driven by situational awareness and rapid adaptation.

I imagine the ideal life to be some combination of these two schools of life, thriving in the environment you happen to be in now, while keeping an eye out for new environments you want to try out.

The current surroundings perspective makes my immediate decision-making more relevant, which is great because it makes every moment more real. Whenever I have some downtime, I can figure out something to do to impact my environment. I don’t need to wait around to make my surroundings a better place!

On the other hand, the future goals perspective emphasizes the importance of change. It keeps me constantly tinkering with my life to figure out what new surroundings I want to put myself into.

from ken

Are you trying to change your life? I'd love to hear about it! ken.e.noguchi@gmail.com

photo by ZeroOne

Goals - good, bad, or greyscale?

I used to think that goals were everything, and that everything you do should be oriented around how to achieve certain goals in your life. I read a book called Flow by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi that talked about being hyper-focused on the moment and the necessity of purpose in attaining that level of focus. Recently, I’ve started to step away from a totally goal-oriented state of mind, but I’ve still retained the habit of setting goals and trying to figure out how to achieve them.

Then, I read an insightful post on Zen Habits about the importance of having no goals. The main idea was that people shouldn't be limited by their goals and to discover unexpected things by following your passions and picking up on sidenotes.

I think one danger of this mentality of doing whatever pleases you at the time is that it can also be limiting, in a sense. For example, one of the hobbies I’m trying to pick up right now is to learn to play the harmonica. I really don’t know how to play it very well and I’m trying to learn a lot of the basics. A lot of times, I don’t really want to go through the drudgery or learning the basics, but if I never put in the time to learn them, I’ll never really learn how to play the harmonica to its fullest. Now you might think that the harmonica might not be one of my passions. Which could be true, so I’ll use another example.

One of my favorite hobbies is running. I’ve been running for about 8 years now, so I can safely say it is something I enjoy. One of the hardest parts of running is coming back after an injury or some time off and working your way back into shape. It feels terrible trying to get back in shape. You run a fraction of what you used to and end up feeling completely destroyed. However, I know that in order to get to a point where I can just go out for a run and enjoy it, I need to work through the tough time of getting back in shape. So is it wrong to have the goal of getting back into shape so I can enjoy running? Like most things, it’s confusing. I think part of following your passions and taking sidenotes is dabbling in things you might not like initially to see if they’ll grow on you.

I do think some goals are appropriate, including ones that are long-term like I want to get ____ job or I want to run ____ marathon. It feels great to be working towards some distant, possibly unachievable, goal. It's also a helpful trick to motivate yourself to do something that you know you'll enjoy, but isn't always on the top of your to do list. Of course, it’s also easy to hate your life because the goal you chose isn’t for you. You just have to establish a good system of picking the goals, and be willing to abandon the goals if they aren’t working for you. Like all things, I guess you just have to pick the right shade of grey.

from ken

Are you trying to change your life? I'd love to hear about it! ken.e.noguchi@gmail.com