Different is not bad, just, different

“I’d love to go back to when we played as kids but things changed, and that’s the way it is.”

- Social activist Tupac Shakur

This past weekend my friend Amulya came up from Houston, TX to visit me, and see my new life in Portland. It was probably the best weekend of my life.

It was easy to plan because we more or less like the same things, so we basically did everything I’ve done in Portland that I thought was cool. This included biking everywhere in the rain, sitting on our laptops and chatting at coffee shops, perusing Powell’s bookstore while drunk, enjoying local beers at brew pubs, and of course, cute breakfast places.

At the end of the exhausting visit, we were sitting at the airport waiting for his delayed flight and drinking more tea. We were already reminiscing about the trip, and talking about deep things like soulmates and personal bests. Then, out of the corner of my eye, I caught a glimpse of a young couple walking around with a kid.

That quick glimpse was Amulya and I’s future. Like much of modern society, we would probably get married, have kids, and not have the luxury to just drop everything one weekend and do nothing but drink coffee, talk shit, and burn through a ton of cash.

Amulya reminded me of a couple wise things:

When we were kids, we loved playing Madden 04 at my house. If he had told me that when we went off to college we wouldn’t be able to do this anymore, I would have been sad, and feared the change. However, when we actually got to college it was a ton of fun visiting each other and catching up on each other’s lives.

In the future, if we only see each other once every blue moon, and we sit around drinking tea while our kids play with oversized blocks, that’d be fun.

If we live in the same city, and get coffee every Sunday morning and talk shit, that’d be fun too.

If we work in the same place and argue over budget cuts at office meetings, well, that’d be fun too.

Any number of options would really work, but of course, the question is: are any of the options ideal?

It’s hard to say, but I guess I’m starting to internalize the idea that different isn’t better or worse, it’s just, different. They are all great, they just take different kinds of appreciation. I feel like I’d much rather accept whatever situation I get put into as the best, and get as much as I can from it rather than pine for some vague made up notion of “ideal.”

It’s pretty hard, if not impossible, to compare how “good” an experience is. This past weekend was definitely a ton of fun, and I plan on referring to it as “the best weekend ever.” But can I really say it was more fun than the time he visited me at Kenyon? Or more fun than the time I surprise visited him at his favorite coffee shop at his college?

Maybe life is more along the lines of an Eastern way of thought, accepting each day as a god, taking everything it has to offer, and also just appreciating the meaning of everything.

All that said, I am really hoping to have a roommate next June.

from ken

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The End

A guest post from my friend from Kenyon College, Sean Edelman. The two of us, pictured handsomely, below.


Over the crest of the hill, the familiar flags, people, and noise come into view. After laboring for what seemed like an eternity, the runner could finally see the physical goal; the one he suffered through the summer heat and winter snow to reach. He had climbed mountains, crossed plains, and conquered his demons. Yet, with his goal finally appearing like the sun over the horizon, he can only feel emptiness and longing. Was this it? As he approached the finish, this particular thought echoed throughout his mind, bringing doubt to his soon-to-be achievement.

Over the last 6+ years of my life I’ve been a runner. What began as a placeholder for not making the high school soccer team became one of my primary identifiers. Back in high school I proudly displayed my identity by wearing t-shirts I had won or purchased at meets, I spent my afternoon sitting with my runner friends discussing other teams and their runners, and I would gladly spend my free time in my coach’s office hoping that some of his knowledge would pass down to me. Every fall I toiled through the long miles, steep hills, and unfortunate weather of cross-country season, counting down the days until the first winter track practice. I lived for that feeling of lacing up my spikes and tearing around the oval. I gave up parties, weekends, and countless hours to nothing but running. The competition kept me going each day. I loved racing and the palpable sense of accomplishment drove me to worker harder and harder. Never would I have thought that my attitude towards the sport could ever be changed.

The realization came around last February.

With only a couple hundred meters standing between him and the finish line, the runner’s thin muscular frame remained upright and focused, hiding the mental turmoil that dwelled underneath his skin. The single thought of doubt that troubled him wasn’t a new phenomenon. He had managed to suppress its growth in his brain by thinking that it was only a passing attitude. However, as the finish line got ever so closer, he could no longer ignore his own demons, and they began to overwhelm his thoughts.

It was a Friday night and with a meet the next morning, I was spending it sitting in my room watching a movie. A knock came on the door; it was a friend of mine coming to get my roommate to head out to the party scene. As the door shut behind them a question crossed my mind: Why was I depriving myself from the fun that I knew was out there? Was a track race worth really worth this?

I was appalled by the thoughts crossing my mind. Track was who I was. My once stable identity was now at conflict. The sacrifices, which I had once made without an afterthought, now had to be justified. I realized the personal achievement gained with racing had long left my body. Just like an injured runner’s tendons may hang by threads, my connection and love I had for the sport of track had withered away to small, decrepit strands.

Like a virus, this string of thoughts plagued me throughout the rest of the season. I found myself just going through the motions that I had once put all of my effort into. For the second straight year, I didn’t see my times drop. Races became something I felt forced to do. The glow of accomplishment no longer surged through my body. Emptiness replaced fulfillment. Change had come and I was reluctant to accept it.

A few weeks ago marked the first day of fall track for the runners who don’t participate in cross-country. As I stretched in the autumn air after a long distance run, I watched the fall trackies finish up their workout. Eagerness and excitement was flowing throughout the bunch; they were elated to be back doing what they love. Watching them brought back memories of the sensation one feels at the start of a season. It was a feeling I once longed for and the thought of it used to make my heart race. Sitting in the warm sun observing them, I realized I no longer pined for what they were currently experiencing. I finally recognized that I had moved on.

Serenity and peace came to my troubled mind. Acceptance finally spread its roots.

As the runner crosses the finish, the aches and pains that he had ignored begin to throb throughout his body. He wants nothing more than the soreness to stop but he knows that the suffering has just begun. As he starts to walk away, the feeling of emptiness disappears from his body. The race is over and although it didn’t end as he once anticipated, he is now filled with a sense of pride and accomplishment. It had been a good run. He had made it. The uncertainty of tomorrow no longer bothered him; it excited him. Although the pain in his body had become nearly unbearable, he cracked a smile.

Are you trying to change your life? I'd love to post your thoughts here, email me! ken.e.noguchi@gmail.com

Why it's easy to get caught up in life

Surprise! Nothing is a big deal! I have a lot of trouble believing this, but I think I would like to.

The other night, I didn’t have anything plans or obligations, so as I was heading out from work I was planning on going to the coffee shop for what my friend calls “only child time.” My last couple days had been fairly busy so I was really looking forward to having such a big chunk of time to do nothing.

When I got home, much to my displeasure, some of my lights weren’t working. First, I decided to yell at my lights, and when they still didn’t work I messed with them until I figured out how to get the light bulbs out. Then, I walked all the way to the store (a couple minutes away by foot), and walked all the way back to put in my new light bulbs.

Throughout this whole process I was getting all worked up because I had made this grand plan of spending hours relaxing at the coffee shop and my life wasn’t working out like I had planned.

But eventually, as I got the whole ordeal sorted out, I realized, the whole thing had taken me a mere half an hour. I still had at least a solid two hours to spend at the coffee shop.

I had a roommate in college that would always say, if it happens that’ll be fine and if it doesn’t that’d be fine too. It sounds simple, but I think he had it right. Robert Frost had a similar insight that I really look up to:

“I can summarize everything I’ve learned about life in three words. It goes on.”

Obviously, I knew my life wasn’t going to end over a couple of defunct light bulbs, but it sure felt like it. It’s easy to get caught up in the heat of the moment and believe that whatever is currently ruining your life is the biggest deal in the world. But it seems like life always has a way of ending up alright if we can just have the courage to wait it out.

from ken

Are you trying to change your life? I'd love to hear about it! ken.e.noguchi@gmail.com

photo by pasotraspaso

I find that I like to hide from criticism

A quote from The Usual Suspects:

“The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn’t exist.”

I am terrible at accepting criticism. It always makes me uncomfortable to see someone disappointed with me, probably because I like to see myself as flawless. I usually prefer to wade in the risk-free zone where I know I won’t make any mistakes. But I know it’s inevitable for other people to disagree with me if I want to carve out my own path to life, so I figured I should start getting used to being criticized and people being unhappy with me.

I took on my reluctance to accept criticism head on as I was sitting in a disability training session. The discussion was supposed to teach us to how to interact with people with disabilities. Even though I consider myself to be a somewhat compassionate human being, I pretty much have zero experience with people with disabilities, so I figured this would be a good learning experience in caring for others.

Knowing this would be a good opportunity to face my judgment of people who are different from me, I watched a video of how not to interact with people with disabilities, and I saw myself in those videos. Being patronizing, and convincing myself I was being polite, but really I was seeing people with disabilities as less than human. Coincidentally, I also started to notice how annoying the woman leading the discussion was. She was also ugly, she had bad breath, and in all likelihood she was the devil.

Of course, this made me realize how quickly I get defensive even when someone is indirectly criticizing me. When somebody is revealing a side of you that you don’t want to see, it’s easy to respond by just jumping on their back. Way easier to judge someone else than yourself, I suppose.

I think it’s necessary to allow yourself to be criticized, and expose yourself to that sort of brutally painful honesty. Without it, I would’ve just gone on judging people different than me as less than me. I will still do this, of course, but if I can get out of the denial zone where I convince myself that I am perfect, I can at least try to change.

from ken

Are you trying to change your life? I'd love to hear about it! ken.e.noguchi@gmail.com

photo by clagnut

Judgment

I remember talking to my friend Tom about judgment and the dangers of perceiving things as good or bad. Judgment is definitely something I am trying to work on these days. I love the idea of changing and making myself more like the kind of person I want to become, it’s most of what I think about. I think constantly changing is one of the points of life. At the same time I also want avoid judging my current life as bad, and to be happy as things are.

I think it helps pretty much every aspect of your life to be happy, relationships, play, work. Not only does it make you more pleasant to be around, it also gives you a lot of extra physical and mental energy. Sidenote, I think being pleasant to be around is one of the most vastly underrated intangibles. On crappy days it’s a lot easier to be around some people. People who have a sixth sense for other’s moods, maybe. Realizing this, I am trying to make myself more pleasant to be around. I haven’t exactly figured out how though. Anyways, I think that extra energy has really helped me dive right into life in Portland, and getting involved in as much good stuff as possible. By being happy with myself and with the things I’m involved in, I don’t get as easily overwhelmed or burned out.

I think I read somewhere that staying in the moment has to do with non-judgmental consciousness. By attaining such an awareness that isn’t clouded by our judgments, we can begin to perceive things as they are and really understand what is going on around us. For example, if something bad happens like we get turned down for a job, we suddenly become blind to all the good things that could result from it. Maybe the job wasn’t exactly right us, or maybe the next job we come across is way better.

Nothing is universally good or bad, it’s all shades of grey. This sort of real understanding and being open to see all the results of an event is crucial to when I do re-evaluations of my life, and try to think about how much I like how I’ve been spending my days, and how it aligns with my goals.

So being less judgmental is two-fold helpful. It allows me to be happier with my own life, making my day to day existence more pleasant, which in turn gives me the chance to keep challenging myself. But it also prevents my many pre-conceived biases from getting in the way of real seeing what’s going on in my life.

from ken

Are you trying to change your life? I'd love to hear about it! ken.e.noguchi@gmail.com